The Truth About Cheating

Before I start, let me preface this with the fact that I do not condone cheating. Infidelity rightfully causes resentment and rage and understandably flips lives upside down. The individual who cheats has broken promises, betrayed commitments, and violated boundaries.

Now, even though I do not condone cheating, I must use a particular lens when I view cheating in my office. When I am working with a couple who has decided to work through someone's infidelity, people are often surprised to understand the kind of perspective a good therapist must take in order to help their clients. While the cheater is understandably persecuted in their personal life, the psychologist cannot relentlessly finger-point. Instead, the practitioner must put both parties in the hot seat. In the beginning, the victim's emotions must, of course, be understood, processed, and acknowledged and the cheater must own his or her responsibility in the infidelity. However, when both individuals are ready to move forward (which could take a long time, if ever), we must explore the relationship as a whole. We must explore the faulty patterns of BOTH people, the one who cheated and the one who was cheated on.

For example, a client of mine found herself cheating; something she never believed could happen. While I expressed that I could not condone her behaviour, I did convey that I knew she was cheating for psychologically legitimate reasons. Upon digging a bit deeper, we slowly understood that her husband had been under-functioning in their marriage for many years (he never helped with the kids, he never visited her family, he never initiated dates with her, and he rarely took vacation days). Now, I stress that his under-functioning is no excuse for his wife’s infidelity; she made all of their relationship issues exponentially worse, and almost irreparable, by cheating. However his under-functioning does explain her discouragement, dissatisfaction and unhappiness. When we work with couples, this truth is what we seek out; we strive to understand the beginning of relationship disappointments and what needs were being left unmet for both people.

The point I’m trying to make here is that while the individual who cheated committed a major violation, the relationship problems started way before the decision was made to cheat. Again, cheating is horrible and responsibility must be owned, however cheating is a manifestation of a larger, more unspoken problem. Unfortunately, the culprit is faulty communication. People are afraid to communicate and purposely avoid conflict because it's "easier" or they “don’t want to hurt the other person” or they “don’t want to start anything.” Well, let me tell you that unless you'd rather deal with excruciating heartbreak, mediators, and custody fights, start brushing up on your communications skills…pronto!  And if you really don’t have the emotional resources to effectively communicate, seek out your own therapy for that specific reason. You have to know that communication is the only way to work through significant marital strife.  If you don’t have the skills, go get them!   

Anna-Maria Tosco, or our Sassy Psychologist, has two masters degrees in the field of psychology and has studied and worked coast to coast. She has worked in both psychiatric and community settings in some of Montreal's most respected healthcare organizations and institutions, and has also given a variety of talks and workshops on neuroplasticity, meditation, and uncovering barriers to love.

(3) comments

Elizabethc

You think your boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse is cheating on you?….dont just jump into conclusion and ruin your relationship without proof that he or she is actually cheating on you….contact treythehacker@gmail.com to know the whole truth. I almost ruined my marriage with a man i love so much because i noticed that he was hanging out with friends alot and he comes back home very late at night. I got so jealous because i knew the kind of friends he has and i began to think that they would have influenced him into flirting with other girls. So i told a friend of mine about it and she told me she has a friend whose husband is an ethical hacker and he has been tested and trusted by some of her friends having similar issues so i made contact with him and told him my problems. To my surprise, he helped me hack into my husbands facebook, whatsapp, phone calls, text messages and even deleted text messages and then i found out that i was wrong about my husband being flirty but that he was planning something big and lovely for our marriage with the help of treythehacker@gmail.com….He is fast and very reliable..

Elizabethc

Technology has empowered everybody..its really as big as you can make it and goes as far as you can take it and treythehacker@gmail.com is the best i've seen out there..People are getting in contact with hackers to help them predict the stock market,clear student loans,expunge criminal records,bank accounts and other debts,fix credit ratings,double your tax return,cheating spouse, social networks and help hack business competitors..contact treythehacker@gmail.com if you need a savvy hacker,one who would be able to carry out and successfully execute hacks on your behalf while keeping it all discrete and under the radar.

shereencindy

i was lost with no hope for my husband was cheating and had always got away with it because i did not know how or
always too scared to pin anything on him. with the help a friend who recommended me to RSN remoteserversnetwork@gmail.com who help hack his phone, email, chat, sms and expose him for a cheater he is. I just want to say a big thank you to . she understand how i felt and guided me every step. tell her from shereen.

Welcome to the discussion.

Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR CAPS LOCK.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be Nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Share with Us. We'd love to hear eyewitness accounts, the history behind an article.